


Beer, weed, & MKUltra

by Homer_Solomon



Series: Beer, Weed, & MKUltra [1]
Category: American Dad!
Genre: Anger, Angst, Comfort, Drinking, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 16:51:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7765690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Homer_Solomon/pseuds/Homer_Solomon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The following is a fan made erotic parody of American Dad, which I do no own.</p><p>Things get a little wild at the Smith house after Stan and Hayley both have a really rotten day and with the rest of the Smith family out of town the two of them decide to have some fun together for the first time in many years. But just how wild will their little party go?</p><p>11/28/16 EDIT<br/>I decided to make this the first chapter clean (for the most part), but dirty stuff will come in the next chapter. I've also went back and did a tiny bit of editing to fix it up a tad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beer, weed, & MKUltra

It had been a long day at the CIA as Stan pulled into the driveway, glad to finally be home. Deputy Director Bullock ordered him to stay late with the guys to look at satellite photos of ISIS activity in Mosul. It would have been done sooner, but at one point they went out to get some five-hour energy drinks and never came back. Sometime later Facebook notified him on his phone that Dooper had checked in with the rest of the guys at the Gaza Strip. At first, Stan thought they had gone off on a mission and just forgotten to mention it. That was until he noticed the picture a drunken Dooper with some strippers.

 

"Four damn hours of looking at looking masked lunatics playing soccer and for what?" Stan grumbled as he got out of his car. "Swear to God as soon as I get upstairs I'm gonna call a drone strike on their asses!"

 

Stan dragged himself to the front door, exhausted and irritated beyond words.

 

"At least it's Friday," he said to himself as he fumbled with his keys "Francine and I can sleep in and- oh...shit that's right."

 

It was only then that Stan remembered that Francine wasn't home, neither was Steve, the two of them had gone on a trip to some convention being held in Atlantic City. Stan couldn't remember what the convention was for; Steve had tried to explain it to him but after hearing the word Galactic he just toned out. Stan grew more morose as he opened the door and dropped his briefcase on the floor.

 

"Oh Francine, what I would give to hear your voice right now...while I fall asleep on your cans."

 

He considered calling her; that would be enough at least. He pulled out his phone and went to his contacts, but he stopped when he saw the time.

 

"Damn, you're definitely in bed by now. -sigh- oh well, sleep tight Mrs. Smith" he said putting his phone away "I'm gonna give you the nastiest phone sex you've ever heard tomorrow, drive those pigs at the NSA nuts."

 

Stan turned on the lights and found the house was silent as the grave.

 

"Oh hey Stan, how was your day?" asked Klaus as he swam up to the top of his bowl.

 

"Completely deserted" Stan lamented. "-sigh- Might as well go shoot one off in the sink and go to bed. He started towards the landing of the stairs when something in the kitchen window drew his attention.

 

 _...Did I leave the pool lights on?..._ Stan asked himself walking through the kitchen.

 

Sure enough, they were on, illuminating his cherished backyard pool with bright blue light. But there was something else, something silhouetted by that light; someone was sitting on the edge with a case of beer.

 

"Hayley?" He asked aloud to himself "what's she doing out there at this hour? And is that case of beer?"

 

Slowly he went to the back door and stepped outside if Hayley had heard him, she gave no notice of it. She was facing away from him just staring at the water seemingly sulking. He took a step towards her but stopped, he was tired, and he wasn't in the mood to lecture her. He took a step up the backdoor when another sound came from the pool.

 

-sniff, sniff, sob...gulp, CRUNCH-

 

"She's...crying?"

 

Stan suddenly felt more annoyed than before; he knew confronting her now would only result in a total shit storm. Dealing with her while she was upset or drunk was one thing, talking to her while she was both was like throwing water on a grease fire. Ever since Hayley grew up, their relationship had only before more hostile and rebellious with each passing year. He learned to live with it, and yes there were times when it wasn't all bad, but that never lasted long before she was planning her next protest or starting some weird, disgusting gimmick for one of her causes.

 

 _...I'll ask her in the morning, and AFTER she's done with the hangover..._ He thought to himself, resolving the issue.

 

He walked back inside and made his way up the stairs when his eyes made contact with one of the photos that hung on the wall. It was a picture of him and Hayley from when she was only ten years old, both clad in matching hiking outfits. The two of them had gone hiking together up in the Chimdale mountains, even with him at his physical peak Hayley was always miles ahead of him taunting him to keep up. God the fun they had that weekend.

 

Stan suddenly didn't feel so annoyed anymore, what had replaced it was a mixture of sadness and regret.

 

"You use to be so easy to talk to." He whispered to the picture feeling his heart break. "You told me all about the bad dreams you had been having that night at the campfire, and about that little bitch Leslie Howell who had been picking on you at school."

 

Stan remembered that night like it was only yesterday, the two of them all by themselves up in the mountains, sitting by the fire eating the crustless sandwiches Francine had packed for them as they talked about the animals they had seen. But when he told her it was about time to go to bed she suddenly became quiet and the two of them stayed up late so she could tell her everything that had been bothering her. Afterward, they shared a sleeping bag and slept in well into the next morning, where they had dessert for breakfast, all to make her smile.

 

_...I still remember how happy you looked when you came home from school a few days later and told me that Leslie Howell had moved away. Yup, sudden gas explosions will do that. Course they weren't home at the time but whatever, you were happy..._

 

"But right now you're not." He whispered as he turned back towards the kitchen window, where he saw Hayley down another can before moving on to the next. Stan took a deep breath and quietly stepped off the stairs. "I gotta try," he says to himself. Stan took a step towards the kitchen before he suddenly remembers something he needed to do. He walked over to his briefcase and pulled his gun out of his holster, once the glock was secured inside he made his way to the kitchen before stopping a second time. This time he goes over to a side table and reaches under for what he had hidden under there.

 

"Let's see" he mumbled as he felt around "Glock, Uzi, Desert Eagle, sawed-off, second Glock, grenade, Hershey bars, AH found it!" He pulls out a small tranquilizer gun which contained a little sedative; he had used it before from when Jeff had dumped Hayley a few months back and caused a rampage at the mall.

 

"Just in case." He tucked the gun securely into his jacket.

 

_...plus if Francine finds out I ended up getting our house on another episode of Cops I'll never hear the end of it..._

 

Stan walked back outside just as Hayley was crunching another can into her fist, she tossed it into a growing pile beside her, judging by the number of them Stan figured she must have been at this for a while.

 

"Umm...hey kiddo" Stan said not sure what else to say.

 

Hayley looked over her shoulder and scowled at him with puffy eyes before taking another swig.

 

"I swear to GOD dad; I don't want to do this right now!" She growled at him turning towards the pool.

 

"I'm not here to...yell or anything" he responded awkwardly glancing at the state of the pool "I just...noticed you were upset, thought maybe we could..."

 

"What? Lecture?" She interrupted "Criticize? Go on on how-how much of a disappointment I am to you?" She said almost slurring and pointed the almost empty can at him. "Honestly, what do you care? You wouldn't understand!"

 

"That's not true!" Stan retorted, his anger seeping back in again before he forced himself to push it back down. "I...I care!"

 

Hayley didn't look at him; instead, she filled tilted her head back and down it the entire can, only this time she didn't crush it in her hand, but merely just set it aside. Her next words didn't have the same irritation.

 

"Maybe...you do," she said leaning forward to stare at her reflection "but you won't get it."

 

Stan was at a loss; she was utterly depressed. It used to be all he had to do was tickle her, and that was it, she'd tell him everything just to get him to stop.

 

_...Hmm, ought to ask the fellas at the office why we don't use that more often in interrogations..._

 

Stan thought for a moment, thinking of a way to getting her to open up. He stared at her and the mess she had made; the discarded beer cans, the leggings of her jeans becoming increasingly soaked, she looked so pathetic sitting there. His annoyance began to trickle back up; this night had been a disaster; a long night at work with no help, his stress-bane of a wife wasn't home, and his daughter was as drunk as a skunk, and there was NOTHING he could do about it.

 

_...God, I need a drink..._

 

That's when it hit him, had it been a round from a sniper round it would have gone right through his vest like a hot knife through butter.

 

_...wait, THAT'S IT!..._

 

Stan walked over the patio and pulled off his jacket and tie, he untucked his shirt, and a welcoming breeze blew through him, he was starting to feel better already. He kicked off his shoes and socks and started back at the pool, only to stop halfway to roll us his slacks.

 

 _...ill have a beer with her..._ He thought to himself _...but I won't ruin my suit, let her get her pants wet..._

 

He made his way over to her and gently sat down next to her, she watched him with a somewhat suspicious gaze but said nothing. Stan dipped his feet in the pool and reached into the case and pulled out a beer, glad to find that they were still cold. He popped it open and chugged it all down while she watched, then he looked at her and held up the can for her to see. In one swift motion, Stan slammed the can against his head, flattening it before tossing it aside. He wasn't smiling, he wasn't trying to impress her, his own exhausted expression was evident on his face.

 

"Try me," he said.

 

"What?" Hayley asked, unsure what he meant.

 

Stan reached into the case and pulled out two more cans, one of which he handed to her.

 

"Make me try to get it," he said almost challenging "It's a Friday night, I had a crappy day, and got nowhere to be."

 

Hayley looked back and forth at him and the can, at first unsure what to say. Ultimately she took the can and popped it open, only this time she just sipped at it. Stan downed his quick enough before moving on to the next one. For a moment neither of them said anything, and ultimately it was Stan that broke the ice.

 

"So..." He began "what's up?"

 

Hayley stared down at her reflection for moment before

 

"Dad..." She started before trailing off; Stan waited for her to finish.

 

"Am I an idiot?"

 

 _...Shit!..._ Stan thought _...walked right into that one. Ok, Stan think of something if you say yes you'll surely upset her, but if you say no she'll know your lying to her. -sigh- women..._

 

"We're all idiots Hayley." Stan said after a moment of thought "everyone of us; you, me, your mother, your brother, Roger, everybody. We are surrounded and bounded to idiots in this idiotic world."

 

_...There, that sounded deep; she'd probably like that..._

 

Stan glanced over at Hayley's expression reflected in the shimmering water around their feet, still looking forlorn as ever.

 

_...Damn! Ok, try to reel it in..._

 

"But...in a lot of ways...your less of an idiot than most people...better even...you're...a wonder."

 

Hayley turned up to face him; her eyes still looked as sad as before but there was a small trace of a smile forming at the corner of her mouth.

 

_...Ok, that's something, its progress..._

 

"I dumped Jeff" she said after a long pause. Stan was so surprised that he spit out his beer.

 

"THAT'S IT?!" He nearly yelled at her "That's what you're upset about? You do that every few months! Why the hell are you even crying about it? You should be glad to be rid of that stoned out chicken shit!"

 

"I KNOW OK!" Hayley sobbed hunching over as another wave of tears flooded down her face.

 

Stan was taken aback, yes Hayley had broken up with Jeff countless times in the past, but she was never upset about it like this. Something wasn't right about this; something was very different. He waited until Hayley's sobs had subsided before trying again.

 

"Hey, hey, hey, it's ok, it's ok, I'm not mad" he spoke in a soft voice trying to calm her "just...tell me what happened."

 

"Well..." She began sniffling "I had just gotten out of class, and Jeff had was suppose to show up to drive me home. We had planned on going out to try this new sushi place in town."

 

"Let me guess" Stan interrupted "he didn't show." He watched as Hayley took a long swig of her beer before continuing.

 

"I waited for an hour" she continued "called, texted, got no response. Then I got a notification on Facebook that said Jeff had checked in AT the restaurant! Without me!"

 

"That dick!" Stan said knowing just how she felt about being ditched.

 

"Oh, just wait!" She said this time sounding angrier "it get better!" Stan watched as she pulverized another can with one hand before yanking out another beer.

 

"I walked to the restaurant, thinking 'oh it's not that far after all' but then it started to rain."

 

Stan had recalled hearing thunder earlier at work but thought nothing of it a the time, but he felt his hands curl into fists at the thought of his daughter being left out in the rain by the man who was supposed to look out for her.

 

"I get there ten minutes later" Hayley continued "SOAKED! Yes, I was pissed, but I thought 'it's only rain, it's mother natures shower' but none of that mattered when I found Jeff."

 

"I bet you gave him a piece of your mind" Stan said wrapping an arm around his daughter, "told him off like the jerk he was."

 

"He had eaten nearly $300 worth of food," she said blankly "using my credit card...and there was...someone else."

 

"What?!" Stan could not decide on what he was more angry about, Jeff misusing her credit card or the fact that...Jeff cheated?

 

"He said that he met her earlier that day" Hayley continued, the anger gone from her voice. "He said her name was Luna, she had to be at least three hundred pounds, half her head was shaven, her arms were covered in tattoos, and couldn't have been a day over forty-five, she didn't even stop eating when I walked up to them."

 

"Oh, hey babe" Hayley imitated Jeff's usual greeting of her along with his usual not-a-care-in-the-world smile "glad you made it, this is Luna, I met her at the park after playing hacks sack with the guys."

 

_...Wait, Jeff has guys?... Stan thought to himself ...when did he have guys?..._

 

"I yelled at him" she continued, "I asked why he didn't pick me up and just said 'oops, I forgot'" she even imitated the way he spread his hands and smiled as if he was supposed to be some absent-minded child star from a 50's sitcom. "And then..."

 

Stan watched as a smile formed on her face, but more tears began to flow.

 

"Then, he said 'Hey Hayley, I was talking to Luna here about some of your ideas and Luna said she can help us out'...he had told...a complete stranger...about our most...private...intimate..."

 

She began to sob again.

 

"That BASTARD" Stan roared utterly furious "Gimme your phone!" he said yanking into her pocket and pulling up her Facebook app "where is he now? I swear to God I'm gonna blow his dick off with a hellfire missile!"

 

"Jail," she said in between sobs.

 

"What?" he asked confused.

 

"He's in jail," She said wiping the tears away from her face. "He told me everything he had shared with her, along with everyone else within earshot. Every. Single. Detail. He didn't even ask me why I was wet; he just asked me if I had another credit card on me cause he had maxed my credit card...which he never told me he took. Then that cow, had the nerve to tell me to hurry up and pay the bill...while she was still chewing. She said 'the sooner you get me a to-go bag we can go back to your place and then I..." -ugh- She looked like she wanted to vomit but she forced herself to swallow "so she could..."

 

She paused and forced herself to take a long deep breath to console herself, Stan wrapped his arm around her again and scooted closer to her; he took it a good sign when she reached up grasped his hand.

 

"I ran into the bathroom and locked myself in one of the stalls, I thought I was gonna throw up, but all I could do was cry. I don't know how long I was in there, but when I came out, the manager came out to meet me. One of the waiters had seen what had happened and told her about it, and she came to see if I was ok. I told her about what had happened and when I mentioned the credit card she told me I needed to call the cops, but she offered to do it for me. She took me into her office and brought me some tea and towels, and afterward we called the cops and Jeff was arrested. I remember how he looked at me while they handcuffed him like he really couldn't believe it."

 

"Did they take Luna too?" Stan asked hoping.

 

"She didn't do anything illegal," Hayley said sounding disappointed "though the manager banned her for after the staff had told her about the nature of their conversation. But I wasn't done with her...I followed her."

 

Stan suddenly felt very worried. The look in Hayley's eyes burned with anger.

 

"I followed her into an alleyway, she actually got mad at me for getting her banned...she was less angry with me after I left her there laying in the alley with half her teeth on the ground."

 

"After that" she continued, sounding more tired than angry "I walked home, went up to Roger's Place, got a case of beer, and sat here, and wondered where the hell did I go so wrong? Then you came home."

 

"You did the right thing honey" Said Stan assuringly hugging his daughter close. Hayley seemingly welcomed the embrace as she leaned her head against his shoulder.

 

"All that time" Hayley mumbled, her voice cracking "wasted on him." and she started to cry again.

 

Ever so gently, Stan scooped a arm under her legs and laid them over his lap, turning her sideways and allowing him to wrap both of his arms around her. Hayley rested her head against his chest and slowly wrapped her own arms around him.

 

"Don't think of it as wasted time," said Stan trying to find a silver lining. "Think of it as a...learning experience." It was all Stan could come up with.

 

"I think," she said in between sobs, "I think I learned more than I cared to know."

 

"It's alright pumpkin," Stan said softly brushing her hair "you're tougher than you know, you are my daughter after all."

 

"I don't feel so tough right now" Hayley lamented pressing her body against his.

 

"You've been crying and drinking for the past couple hours" he pointed out sipping his own beer "no one exactly feels tough after that. But no one is excepting you to be tough tonight; tonight's about letting off steam, so you cry and drink as much as you damn well please."

 

Stan felt Hayley take a few deep shuddered breaths to calm herself.

 

"I think I'm done crying over this" she whispered.

 

 _...Thank God..._ Stan thought to himself _...my shirt almost feels like a sponge..._

 

Hayley released her grip from his shirt and reached behind her back to grab a couple more beers, one of which she handed to Stan.

 

"But no way in hell am I done drinking tonight" she said with an air of confidence popping open the can. "What about you? You done?"

 

"Not even close" he said accepting the can, and the two of them toasted before downing them both down.

 

"So tell me about your day," Hayley said resting her head back against his chest.

 

"Oh, it's nothing," Stan said dismissively "wasn't near as bad as yours."

 

"Don't be like that," she said looking up at him "I'm listening."

 

"Well..." Stan began "Bullock had tasked me and the fellas to look over some surveillance data of ISIS activity in Iraq, and that shit always takes forever."

 

"Is that why you got home so late?" Hayley asked.

 

"Yes and no," Stan said gulping down his beer "normally a group of us could get through it in a couple of hours if we work at it, and I was doing my part, but everyone else was goofing off. Then at one point Dooper says 'Hey, how about I go and get some energy drinks and some burgers?' And at the time I thought 'oh how nice of him,' I gave him twenty bucks along with my order and he leaves, but then one by one everyone else started suggesting they go with him so he wouldn't have to carry it all...at time it made sense."

 

"Let me guess" Said Hayley "they all left and never came back."

 

"Yup," Stan replied with a disgruntled sigh "four hours later I'm walking back to my car when I checked my phone and saw this!" He handed her his phone showing the picture of a drunk Dooper with a topless stripper.

 

"Those assholes!" said Hayley. "You need to send those to Avery!"

 

"Snitches get stitches Hayley" Said Stan as if it were was nothing to be done.

 

"You can't let them get away with that!" She retorted.

 

"Oh, I won't," he assured her "I got plans in the works for them, but those are for a later night, right now...I'd rather just be here...with you."

 

Hayley looked up at him with a look of mild surprise; it was then Stan realized that this was the first time in a long while he actually said he wanted to be around her. She looked like she was about to cry again, but a smile had formed on her face.

 

"Daddy," She said in a soft voice, almost in disbelief.

 

"There's that smile," Stan said pulling her head close where he gave her a wet kiss on her forehead. Which he followed with a loud raspberry.

 

"Eww DAD!" She giggled. She tried to shove herself away from him, but Stan tightened his embrace and gave her a second one on her neck, more louder and wetter than the last.

 

"Hahahaha, STOP, your gross asshole! Hahahahahahaha!"

 

 _-Pzzzzzzzz-_ "You're the gross one, you filthy hippy." _-Pzzzzzzzz-_

 

With a single heave, Stan hoisted Hayley up in his arms until her navel was right in front of his face. He glanced up at Hayley with an evil smile while he slowly ran his tongue over his lips. He saw Hayley's eyes go wide as she realized what he was going to do next.

 

"Don't you FUCKING DAR-"

 

_-PPPPPZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!-_

 

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

 

_...Just like your mother..._

 

"S-sto -hahaha- op!" Hayley pleaded between laughs "I'm gonna, I'm gonna pee my pants!"

 

"What's that?" He asked pretending not to have heard "Sorry, I can't hear you over that childish laughter of yours." -Pzzzzzzz-

 

"Hahaha, or really? Would you hear me under water?"

 

"Under wha?" Stan asked not understanding.

 

But it was too late, Hayley grabbed Stan's shirt and flung herself back with all her strength. The was little Stan could do but scream as he lost his balance and tumbled into the pool with his daughter, sending up a big splash as they both sunk beneath the water. For a few seconds Stan couldn't tell which way up, but then Hayley's face suddenly appeared overhead smiling down at him mischievously. She gave him the devil horn sign and stuck out her tongue before she started to kick away from him.

 

_...Oh! Oh, that's how you wanna play it? Fine, we'll play that game..._

 

Stan got his feet under him and pushed off the bottom of the pool as hard as he could, propelling himself back above water where a still smiling Hayley was waiting for him.

 

"I got half a mind of beat your ass red for that!" Stan scolded half-serious.

 

"I'd like to see you try!" Hayley challenged before splashing water in his face.

 

"You little-" was all he could say before Hayley splashed him again.

 

Stan countered with a splash of his own, one much larger than hers that slammed right into her face. Hayley threw up her hands to shield herself but was a fraction of a second too late; she laughed splashed him back. Stan had the good sense to swim out of the way of Hayley's attack, but with water in her eyes, she failed to aim as she swung her arm down in a big arc, sending up a small wave of water that missed him by several feet. He swam around her until he was behind her and by then Hayley was looking for him; he waited until she spun around before blasting her full in the face. She screamed and coughed as some of the water got her in the mouth, thinking quickly Stan took hold of her shoulders and spun her around before wrapping his arms tightly around her in a bear hug. She struggled to get free, but to no avail, she could only grunt and curse as Stan casually leaned back in the water allowing the top half of his body to float on the water with Hayley still in his arms.

 

"You give up?" He asked with a smug smile as Hayley's struggles subsided.

 

"Ya, I give up." She replied, defeated. "Now let go of me."

 

But Stan didn't let go; instead, he started kicking his feet, and the two of them began to drift around the pool.

 

"Let's just float around a little," Stan said loosening his hold on Hayley to a mere embrace.

 

He knew Hayley would be able to get away if she wanted to, but she didn't struggle, in fact Stan felt her body relax against his chest. He felt her hands slide over his own; he took it as a sign of capitulation, and the two of them stared up at the night sky in silence.

 

"This is nice," Hayley said after a long while.

 

"It really is," Stan admitted.

 

To Be Continued...


End file.
